"Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it."
Every day somebody says or does something that earns them the scorn of the internet. Here at Digg, as part of our mission to curate what the internet is talking about right now, we rounded up the main characters on Twitter from this past week and held them accountable for their actions.
Each day on twitter there is one main character. The goal is to never be it
This week's characters include a guy who thinks the Satanic Panic was justified, an oyster mascot that gave us nightmares, a “Glee” star with a tired take on female voices, a life coach who publicly negged his fiancée and a perennial main character who thinks the US healthcare system is pretty good, actually.
Note: It seems like every week, more and more main characters crop up on the timeline — more than our team can sanely cover. But we’d be remiss not to (dis)honor them by mentioning them here:
Phew. Alright: onto the main characters we found it in ourselves to dig into.
The character: Rob, someone on Twitter
The plot: The “Satanic Panic” was a moral panic that gripped America in the 1980s and early 90s, and consisted of tens of thousands of unsubstantiated claims of Satanic, ritualistic abuse. Bolstered by the mass media, the phenomenon saw innocuous things like heavy metal music and the “Dungeons & Dragons” board game presented as demonic and dangerous — and vilified the people who enjoyed them. At its worst, the social hysteria led to false allegations of child abuse at daycares, and the wrongful murder convictions of three teenagers (based on little more than their interest in goth culture).
Though it was long ago revealed to be nothing more than an unfounded moral panic, fear of Satanic cults and their alleged abuses persist today. Case in point: Rob, or @houellebecq_2 — who tweeted on Saturday that the mass hysteria of the 80s was, in fact, justified, and that Satanic ritual abuse was widespread at the time.
*steps out of the shadows* The "satanic panic" was largely justified and there actually was widespread abuse in the 80s btw Just thought I'd share. I'll see you on the timeline.
Fun fact: over 12,000 allegations of Satanic cult abuse were made across America in the 80s and 90s, and not a single one could be substantiated by police.
The repercussion: Some Twitter users tried to appeal to Rob’s reason.
Sorry, you think preschool teachers were actually doing ritual sacrifices in front of little kids?
@damienechols is a prime example on how the satanic panic ruined the lives of innocent people. He was beaten and abused while on death row for many years, completely innocent, but incarcerated because how he looked and what he listened to. 3 great documentaries about it. pic.twitter.com/ZMrJX8GfJG
“widespread abuse”. this is like how qanon people justify their beliefs by pointing at every newsworthy case of sex abuse and saying “see? told you kids were being sexually abused” to back up their more outlandish claims
No. No it really wasn’t. There was literally zero actual, solid, tangible, objective evidence whatsoever to support a single one of the claims about any of it! None at all!
...uhhh I mean there was plenty of child abuse, but it wasn't ritualistic satanic abuse. That never happened. So...a broad definition of real abuse justifies psychotic moral outrage over a very specific, imaginary kind of abuse?
i lived through it near one of the major epicenters while attending church and playing dnd it was a literal witch hunt with almost no grounding in reality
The SRA Panic has been thoroughly, and almost enthusiastically, debunked over the past 30+ years - And no amount of poorly sourced, fictitious, "Michelle Remembers"/"In the Name of Satan" faux True Crime novels will ever change that.
The Satanic Panic drew attention away from real abusers while trapping innocent people in a hellscape of fake accusations and crimes that were never committed. This is like saying some people abuse kids, therefore QAnon is real. It's not. https://t.co/SVRR9orehc
What does DnD and Heavy Metal have to do with that? https://t.co/CV5JKeYheb
This is the face of modern conservatism. It never changed. They're now trying to relitigate the Satanic Panic and blame it on queer people again. https://t.co/1QzGBHLO37
This has the same energy as arguing that QAnon is true and justified because some pedophiles and conspiracies exist. The satanic panic was absolutely not justified and this is a dumb take. https://t.co/rp9Ii5x58y
Others countered his claim with theories of their own.
You’re deflecting from the actual abuse of the time which was often done by authority figures such as coaches, police, priests, etc. Saying the satanic moral panic of the 80s was due to that is absolutely wrong from the historical accounts official and otherwise. https://t.co/dATFZb66PB
Yeah, by the Catholic Church and Southern Baptist Convention
american evangelicals and catholics transparently made it up because they needed the imagined competition to stay at the top of their abuse game like how michael jordan used to make stuff up so he would play better
Uhhh that is the exact reason that the Satanic Panic was a hoax, it was a purposeful cover-up of the realities of child abuse. https://t.co/yrFR4QtZ5O
Hi. I was 12 and playing D&D when the original "satanic panic" happened. We were not satanists. We were not scary. We were nerds. There was nothing to justify my getting beat up by jocks. There was nothing to justify my being ostracized. There was nothing to justify any of it.
And, of course, they wouldn’t be a Main Character if they weren’t being made fun of.
*shits on your doorstep* Just thought I'd share. I'll see you on the timeline.
in your estimation, how many of the mcmartin preschool teachers could fly through the air using witchcraft
*shoves you back into the shadows* https://t.co/4Y7knxlxza pic.twitter.com/csuFCKygPr
Seeing someone other than Alex Jones have this take is like watching someone who isn't Weird Al doing a song parody https://t.co/PUfWaMBBIF
The character: Pearl, the Halifax Oyster Festival mascot
The plot: This photo went viral on July 24. The ramifications of its impact on the human race is still being calculated, but things aren’t looking good.
this is the mascot for the Halifax Oyster Festival and i’m absolutely terrified of it. pic.twitter.com/bBdMyBW3H6
The repercussion: To borrow a few words from Willem Dafoe’s lines from “The Lighthouse”: We’ve never seen such a foul, wretched sea beast. A creature of pure evil! Hark Triton, hark! Bellow, bid our father the Sea King rise from the depths full foul in his fury! Black waves teeming with salt foam to smother this young mouth with pungent slime, to choke ye, engorging your organs til' ye turn blue and bloated with bilge and brine and can scream no more - only when he, crowned in cockle shells with slitherin' tentacle tail and steaming beard take up his fell be-finned arm, his coral-tine trident screeches banshee-like in the tempest and plunges right through yer gullet, bursting ye - a bulging bladder no more, but a blasted bloody film now and nothing for the harpies and the souls of dead sailors to peck and claw and feed upon only to be lapped up and swallowed by the infinite waters of the Dread Emperor himself - forgotten to any man, to any time, forgotten to any god or devil, forgotten even to the sea, for any stuff for part of Pearl, even any scantling of your soul is Pearl no more, but is now itself the sea!
ma'am that is a doctor who villain https://t.co/S859UzyGDp
THERE IS ANOTHER https://t.co/0jgYL9IoKb pic.twitter.com/hKSE1XxygJ
this is just me hanging out at the Halifax oyster festival :( https://t.co/R8KjyIOpWx
Never forget - before there was Pearl, there was… me trying to figure out how to function in an oyster costume. https://t.co/BmrBSPIcDm pic.twitter.com/KdyCPRoKwk
Have you ever just.. spent a long time on an art piece then thought.. why. Why did I do this. But I definitely thought of a biblically accurate angel meme with this Halifax Oyster mascot...#halifaxoyster #benotafraid #angel https://t.co/63thJEX21P pic.twitter.com/iWw6CW90Dq
Apparently this walking nightmare is named "Pearl". No info on the male mustachioed horror oyster yet. #Oysterfest #Halifax #NovaScotia pic.twitter.com/4QcClQnPDN
Buzzfeed on The Coast’s @HfxOysterFest oyster mascot, Pearl: “There was a lot of confusion as to why this Canadian festival would defy God by creating such a beast.” https://t.co/LDiaUXNjW6
Anna: Who would win? #WoodyTheTalkingChristmasTree or #PearltheOyster Meme credit @evilpez4 #Halifax pic.twitter.com/ie0xnwEq4K
The character: Jane Lynch, “Glee” star, “Hollywood Game Night” host, billionaire sympathizer, podcast police, someone who loves women
The plot: On Monday, Jane Lynch delivered some curious podcasting advice to women who didn’t ask for it. The actress said that women’s voices tend to get into an “annoying area” when they speak too high and they might want to consider lowering it.
"I love women. I AM a woman," Lynch said. "Our voices are higher than men's voices. Women's voices can get into the annoying area if it gets too high. If you're doing a podcast, consider lowering your pitch a tad..."
I love women. I AM a woman. Our voices are higher than men’s voices. Women's voices can get into the annoying area if it gets too high. If you’re doing a podcast, consider lowering your pitch a tad. If you think I’m being sexist about this then I don’t know what to do with you.
The repercussion: Lynch’s unsolicited advice got ratioed into oblivion by thousands of netizens who felt there was nothing wrong with having a high pitched voice on a podcast, with many accusing the actress of “sexism” and perpetuating “internalized misogyny.” And yes, many referenced that infamous Sue Sylvester meme.
Counterpoint: no https://t.co/zlX265o8kq pic.twitter.com/Gm8CPDfbOx
I am going to <<internalize>> a <<misogyny>> that is so <<predictable>> https://t.co/xv8V84GIos
hmmmm could it be that microphone technology was literally designed for deeper voices https://t.co/ylOhRIizYi https://t.co/P4xUZ4C0XY
Jane: I enjoy your work, which makes this tweet so disappointing for me to read. Getting voice training for whatever reason, professional or not, is NOT the same as blatantly telling women their high voices are annoying. If you have to say something isn’t sexist, it likely is. https://t.co/WVgln3t7O5
Jane, I love you. But no. The issue isn't that women's voices are more annoying than men's. It's that we've been conditioned to think of men's voices as the default & women's voices as "other." Let's listen to more women, as they are, and appreciate what they bring to the table. https://t.co/y9cTPFn6Ph
On-air journalist and managing producer of podcasts here. Nope. Be yourself. Speak the way you naturally do. Diversity in media includes diversity of voices (literally). https://t.co/8RNYTLsOzZ
ugh Jane this is a bad take and yes it is sexist. Here's why: https://t.co/aUJScZNTPm https://t.co/H5raJniwNE
I’ve had a voice like I was 35 since I was 11 and so I can say in a low, cackling alto that hands-down the most annoying thing about women’s voices is how rarely you get to hear them uninterrupted and elevated in important spaces https://t.co/c53vkAoMau
Some had braced for the worst with the way Lynch had initially worded the tweet.
im obsessed with this tweet because i initially thought it was gonna be a terf rant before she made the most incredible pivot https://t.co/SuyNSaRS3P
This is so stupid but after the first line I assumed it was going to be something TERFy but it was just some old school sexism 🥰 https://t.co/pTRw0uKJIj
Some felt the podcast-policing tweet was so bonkers at face value, they couldn’t help but laugh at it.
This is so funny I'm crying https://t.co/YNU6cm6KbE
This is a perfect tweet https://t.co/JZXTUbezbB
Others made jokes about notoriously low voiced Elizabeth Holmes.
this is true. in order to sell my startup blood analysis business to Henry kissinger i had to do this. leave jane alone… https://t.co/FuwEV7awBb
𝗵𝗲𝘆 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗸𝘀 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗲 𝗼𝗻 https://t.co/ABurJhobRS pic.twitter.com/UtkDsjYn1x
Despite the drubbing from thousands of angry netizens, Lynch continued to double down on her podcast criticism, saying some people could use technology to artificially lower their voices.
“…to adjust a person’s voice to a more pleasing frequency.” Thanks, @DJJoeG! https://t.co/LxKyKMsxxi
The character: Solomon Buchi, life coach, guy who thinks he settled and isn’t ashamed to broadcast it
The plot: Solomon Buchi, a life coach, writer and podcaster, may not have intended for his Facebook/Instagram post about his fiancée to end up circulating Twitter and turning him into one of the week’s main characters. But when you have a substantial following and write a post that twice asserts that your partner is “not the most beautiful woman” nor “the most intelligent woman,” you can’t be entirely surprised.
A post shared by Sᴏʟᴏᴍᴏɴ Bᴜᴄʜɪ (@solomon_buchi)
Maybe we should bring back diaries or something pic.twitter.com/dukD7NYOhV
The repercussion: The post really started making the rounds when HuffPost senior editor Philip Lewis tweeted a screenshot of the Facebook post, sending Twitter into a tizzy over Buchi’s blunt and unflattering message. The general sentiment was that, first of all, you can say hyperbolically flattering things to a partner and they will appreciate it even as they’re aware they are probably not the number one most beautiful or intelligent person in the world. Second, you don’t even have to be hyperbolic: just call your partner beautiful and intelligent and leave it at that! No one asked Buchi to rank his partner on the scale of the entire world’s population.
Maybe we should bring back diaries or something pic.twitter.com/dukD7NYOhV
Was there ever any pressure to declare that she’s the most beautiful/intelligent woman? Or even discuss beauty/intelligence at all? Or even post?🤣🤣🤣🤣 This is so needlessly derogatory 😭. Why publicly neg your bae? What are you trying to prove to the world? https://t.co/SunSlilCvZ
How is she supposed to respond to this? pic.twitter.com/o4SjwBR2xQ
No cause imagine logging onto Facebook just to see your man telling everyone you ugly and stupid. No suh 😭 https://t.co/kxaQ6fpGMl
I believe when you're in a relationship, the person you're dating should be the best, prettiest, smartest, most intelligent. There should be no room for comparisons or 'buts'. You don't have to make it seem like you're doing them a favour by being with them. https://t.co/a28tmasDAI
It’s giving https://t.co/MtbH9yBCnQ pic.twitter.com/kQKVry1Fm0
This is beside the point but… she’s so beautiful.
Bro just say "I love you" https://t.co/GO0SVjVrpd
Not only did Buchi maintain that he said what he said, the discourse grew to the point that the hosts of “The View” discussed his post. Some of the women took major issue with his words, but Whoopi Goldberg and Sara Haines saw their way to sympathizinng with him. “His attempt might have failed a little bit,” Haines said, “but he is maybe approaching marriage wisely, because I do think what he’s saying is, to expect perfection is to be disappointed.” She added, “I hope his proposal is a little more romantic.”
Look: of course you shouldn’t expect perfection from a partner, nor from anyone. But people know they aren’t perfect, so taking a pseudo-clinical stance to tell your partner you love them is… simply not it.
The character: Matthew Yglesias, Nepotism baby, Substacker
The plot: Matthew Yglesias is still blogging. I thought he’d take some time off in the summer, but turns out his writing gets worse with the heat.
“My number one ‘unpopular opinion’ that is actually extremely popular is that the US health care status quo is pretty good for most people,” he wrote on his blog.
My number one “unpopular opinion” that is actually extremely popular is that the US health care status quo is pretty good for most people. https://t.co/92djCTYsaQ pic.twitter.com/zu01oicglR
It’s unfortunate that he refuses to let me read the piece unless I pay (never will), but I’m going to admit, saying something is “pretty good for most people” is tremendous hustler energy. Prefix that statement with nearly anything SFW and it passes.
The repercussion: At this point dunking on Yglesias has become an endurance sport. Lucky for us, there are still a few people who take it seriously, and pointed out why this take should have stayed in the drafts.
pretty good! https://t.co/Zifaz5C1hA pic.twitter.com/Zh9uU5zS3P
every opinion you have is unpopular, man. that's your whole deal. https://t.co/nyk7ZGNDN8
Medical debt is the number one cause of bankruptcy in America. That’s bad. https://t.co/z1RyT1rhCo
American life expectancy is atrocious compared to other nations, Matt https://t.co/8QL01rwj0m
Read the previous edition of our One Main Character column, which included New York City's most fashionable mayor, a musician who does not want to see your fan art of him and more.
Did we miss a main character from this week? Please send tips to [email protected]
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